Tories: “We pledge a 7 day week non-emergency NHS”
Public: ***Yay let’s vote you in!!***
Jeremy: Right Dave, we’ve promised this 7-day NHS by 2020. To do this we rationally need more funding and more doctors.
Dave: I’ll give you neither!
Jeremy: Ah no worries, we’ll just decrease the doctors pay and increase their hours. That should work.
Dave & Jeremy: **high five**
Jeremy: Dammit! Our current and future doctors and the British Medical Association are saying that “apparently” increasing their hours and removing safeguards for overworking means they will have very long, unmonitored shifts and therefore endanger the patients lives… Jesus what are they bloody moaning about we’re giving them an 11% pay rise!
Dave: You gave them a pay rise!? I told you there’s no extra funding for the NHS!
Jeremy: No no Dave don’t you worry, I’m giving them an “11% pay rise” on their basic pay (so we PAINT it to the public that we are investing in the NHS) BUT we’re going to stop paying them extra for the “anti-social hours” – so 7pm on a Saturday would be like 9am on a Tuesday – SO when you do the calculations they’re actually getting LESS – See Dave I told you I could even save us a few dolla $$$$
***3 years of negotiations later***
***The contract has not changed so the Junior Doctors are forced to strike***
Jeremy: Ah we’re getting a lot more publicity about this contract than before, the Junior doctors and BMA are getting the media involved!
Dave: You’re going to have to do something to make sure we still look like the good guys
Jeremy: Ok let me think… I know, we’ll just lie! Firstly, we’ll make a massive deal about how their 1 day strike will mean loads of patients die. Secondly, we’ll just keep on ramming to the media that they are getting an 11% PAY RISE – so everybody thinks they are just greedy!
***Doctors continue to strike because still no negotiations have been accepted***
Jeremy: They’re not accepting our measly negotiations so let’s just force it through, just like we did last month when we scrapped the university maintenance grants and last week the free school meals for underprivileged children in primary schools.
Dave: See, we got there in the end, great work Jezzer!! I knew I could rely on you wink emoticon
Jezzer: Aw Dave you’re so sweet, fancy going for dinner? I hear there’s a great pork place nearby.